Emotional Abuse Can Happen To Anyone

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:00:05

Welcome to the D shift podcast, where we provide inspiration, motivation and education to help you transition from the challenges of divorce to discover the freedom and ability to live life on your own terms. Are you ready? Let's get the shift started. Hi, and welcome to the D Shift Podcast. Today, we are really excited to have Victoria Cuore on here, and I am I am really excited to talk to you Victoria, because you have such an important message to share. But first, I want to say welcome and thank you for being here.

Victoria Cuore: 00:00:38

Thank you for having me. So Victoria, tell

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:00:40

me tell me and tell everybody a little bit about what brought you here? What's your why, what's your purpose? What's your passion?

Victoria Cuore: 00:00:49

That is a huge question, we'll see how I can condense that down. I am passionate about paying it forward and helping others. I help advocate for domestic violence and abuse survivors. I'm one myself, and I work with special needs children and their families. I'm a parent of a special needs child and on special needs myself. So I know what that feels like. I don't want anyone to go through it alone. So I advocate and do this, so that they have a reliable person on their side that helps them go through it.

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:01:22

That is such a powerful mission in life or purpose or motivation or whatever, whatever term you choose to use. And it's interesting. I don't know, I know we were talking before, but I don't think I mentioned this, I actually worked as a domestic violence client advocate for many, many years. So worked directly with women to help them get support and women family and sometimes man. I mean, you know, domestic violence is not not directed just towards women, it can be towards anybody in a partnership. So. So tell me a little bit about what what are some of the things that you see the common and I know that's hard to say common threads, because everybody's situation is a little bit unique. But what are some of the things that you think women or men before, during or after divorce, may want to watch out for may want to be aware of, or maybe even support that they don't even realize that they need or that they can access? So I know I left that really, really big. But

Victoria Cuore: 00:02:23

yeah, there's a lot of red flags that people don't realize are red flags. And I think especially Marty after COVID People got even more like lonely that they were just so excited to have some interaction with another human being male, female. I have yet to learn and I apologize to your listeners the whole binary non binary, he him she, I haven't learned all that yet. So I apologize. I'm working on it. But I think that people just kind of don't trust their gut. And they go and just want the attention and that affirmation from somebody that they're important. And when somebody is in that courtship love bombing phase, they make everything about that person. It's almost like their trophy partner their trophy, significant other. And everything is is that charming character, a character charismatic disposition, where you're like, where is this guy been in northern where's this girl been? And it's they do everything they can to literally put you in a mock line of, we need to get super serious super quick. And people just are so lonely and depressed. And they want that and they think if I can have this, I'll get rid of that. And what happens is they're giving up everything to be put into a very horrible could be possibly life threatening

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:03:52

situation. And that's one of the things we've actually had a therapist on who spoke about that particular issue where people, that's one of the big red flags that she indicated to was that really quick, quick rush to a relationship that seems like you say too good to be true. Doesn't mean doesn't mean Prince Charming isn't out there. But he's not Prince Charming that needs your 100% Attention 24/7 Or her 24/7. So what are some of the other things that you think maybe signs or signals, maybe those subtle things that people miss it first?

Victoria Cuore: 00:04:35

I can tell you from my own experience, for instance, when I had mentality this is going way too quick, we need to slow it down. My ex husband was notorious for turning it around and making me feel like I was the bad person that he would say, but I understand that I haven't done to you what and I had never been in an abusive situation prior to this I call a monster are. So he made me feel horrible. And I couldn't understand how you could do it. I mean, he, you have to give them credit. They're brilliant in that aspect where it was, but I didn't do this to you. So why are you punishing me and not letting us have that happiness that we both longed for for so long? And you're, you know, putting the brakes on, but it's because you're afraid. And then he would say, you know, what, if you would take the wall down that somebody else built, because of what they did to you, you could let me in, and then we could build the wall, and nobody else could get in. And we can have the unconditional happiness that we both want and deserve, and never had, because we didn't have each other. And I would sit back and go, Wow, I'm selfish. Like, how is it that he's right, because he didn't do anything at this point. And you're literally like, I just can't understand how that I was being so rude and wrong, because he hasn't done anything. And then he would really put you on a pedestal, everything like he accomplished everything you accomplish, he would rave about, he would find your Achilles heel, like I wanted children, my biggest thing ever was I wanted to be a mom. And he used that to the ninth degree like it was, I'd always wanted a family. But being that I was always overseas and things like that I couldn't, you know, have one. And I want to have a family to come home to and I want to build that happily ever after. And you know, we can foster kids, and we can do this, we do that. And I was just like, you know, at this back, I was never physically attracted to him, I'm a person that's easily inside. Because you could have a great personality and disposition. And then to me, you're just amazing. Because looks conveyed something can happen. It is what it is. And I've only gotten that way because of life. You know, when we're early age, teenagers, early 20s. Nobody thinks that way. They want that good look, and whatever. But at this point, I just was like, This guy is so charming and charismatic, and he would meet me with a rose and a simple dinner. And I was traveling for work. And so I didn't get to see him that often. But he just knew what to do, and knew how to play those cards. And it was a whirlwind to say the least, they will make you self doubt.

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:07:20

And I think I think that the other key thing that it's worthwhile mentioning here is a lot of people may be saying, well, I've got I've gotten out of a divorce like that, you know, I've been through those relationships. Unfortunately, sometimes, even though we've been through that, if we don't do that kind of self reflective work, we find ourselves jumping right back into the same kind of a relationship. And I don't think it's you know, and I'm not a I'm not a therapist, or psychologist, and I don't play one on TV. But the thing is, we are who we are, you're a human being and you have, you know, you have that that comfort zone. And it's interesting to mention that you had mentioned that, um, you hadn't been in these kinds of abusive relationships before. And then all of a sudden, it was the right combination of factors that kind of facilitated that the building of that relationship based on and it wasn't anything from your past or a pattern or anything. So this can really happen to anybody. Yeah, and and I think the other thing to point out is that sometimes after a divorce, people are very emotionally vulnerable, they are looking for that connection with the next person. And there are people, and I'm really careful not to diagnose or label anybody, but we all know the end personality, personality. And it's like, even if they're not diagnosed, or even if they don't have all the characteristics, there are still people out there that play on other people's weaknesses. They're the predators, emotional predators in society, that's for sure. Yes. So do you have any specific any specific kind of mindset shifts or tools or techniques? If if, if a person going through divorce or getting into new relationship or anything starts to notice these kinds of behaviors, or even if they're still in a relationship, and they're noticing these behaviors? What should they do?

Victoria Cuore: 00:09:25

I always tell them to take a step back, even if your partner male or female won't allow it and they're like, why are you taking a step back because then they feel they want that cleanness, they need that constant reassurance, and even though they make us feel belittled and worthless, and they just take away our self esteem. It's really them that have the self esteem issue. So when you start to feel that way, just kind of try and take a step back and look at it from an outsider's point of view. Are you being isolated? Are you being kept from family and friends? You know, don't answer I tell people don't answer this out loud because you probably don't want to say it just Thinking Think quietly, you don't have to tell you, anybody you friends, especially if you're isolated, write it down, like at work when you're not around your partner. Am I being isolated? Is he? Is he allowing me to go out and hang out with my friends? Am I allowed to go somewhere without him having to know everywhere that I go? Is he checking my phone all the time? Is? Is he telling me what to wear? And what not to wear? Is he calling me names that are disrespectful? Is he doing it in front of the children? These are questions that you can ask yourself, even subconsciously write them down, because then you you physically see them, and then tear up the page, don't go home with it, just see it for yourself, and then maybe step back and really reevaluate what's going on.

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:10:45

And we're I want to be really clear here, when we're talking, we're not talking about situations where somebody is in danger of physical violence. So Victoria and I are speaking about more of the emotional, mental control, financial control, emotional abuse, which is no less damaging than the physical abuse, but but if you are in any kind of physical danger, you know, you get out, get out, get, have your safety plan in place, talk to your local domestic violence, shelter, go to a friend's house, you know, definitely take those safety precautions. So just want I just want to throw that in there, Victoria, that we're not talking about people that are in imminent danger, or potential danger of physical violence against themselves. So So I think that's really good actually writing down exactly what it is that that you are seeing or that you're questioning? Can you talk a little bit about that isolation part? Because that is a big technique that these people use? So can you talk a little more about that isolation?

Victoria Cuore: 00:11:51

Absolutely. And I want to thank you for saying what you just did, because great minds think alike, I was thinking the exact same thing. When it comes to the isolation, a startup is very, very slow to the point you don't even realize it, it's like, Oh, you want to go outside of it, your friends, okay, then maybe later in the evening, or the next day, it's like, I was planning on us having like, Chinese then watch a movie or, or let's just, you know, cook outside and watch a movie, or you know, and it would be something that just the two of them, have them just the two of you. And it would make it where you're like, Oh, he wants to spend time, you know, and he makes it where it's supposed to be a romantic gesture, what he's really doing is trying to keep you away from your friends, family, whatever. Or if you're gonna go out and see your family, and you're gonna go and he's not, he's gonna find a reason to make that not happen. And it literally becomes little by little, where at first you're like, oh, it has to be a coincidence. Or it has to be, you know, maybe he just doesn't want to go or he's all of a sudden sick, I need to stay here and take care of him. And then it becomes more frequent and more frequent. And then you realize, like, my took my cell phone away. And I had a whole new phone. And he checked my phone constantly. And I wasn't allowed to go anywhere without him knowing and he would show up in my office. So it was the it starts out so slow. And it's done that way so that you don't pick up exactly what's being done.

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:13:20

That's a really good point. And I think the other thing is all those little. Now there's nothing wrong with sending your your loved one a text message. Hey, just thinking about you hope you're having a great day. That's one kind of text messages are great. Yeah. But it's it's like the hour on the hour. How are you doing? Just want to check on you. And then if you don't respond, you get bombarded with text messages, phone calls. You know, I've worked with women who literally have had to quit their job or have been told that they're going to be fired because of contacts from their supposedly loved one, right? Yeah. Yeah. So. So thank you for talking about that isolation thing. Is there anything else that you see or that or that maybe it's something that people might want to do? Or consider? If they feel that they're, if they're not really sure what's going on sometimes? Is this the start of something? Or is this something I should just not be too worried about? Right,

Victoria Cuore: 00:14:26

another thing that I think is really, really strong, that people don't take into consideration is that your partner may be abusive, verbally, God, I hope not physically and I don't want any verbal abuse either. But to your children, and your children aren't gonna lie. And if all of a sudden you know, oh, you're not going to stay home Saturday night, you're out with your girlfriends. Okay. Well, when you do come home, if and that would be in the beginning of the isolation stage. When you come home, the kids are going to tell me daddy yelled at me daddy did whatever What did you do? I don't know. It It's because he's going to take it out on them, because that's your weakness is your kids. And so it ends up going that way. So if you see a pattern where the children are kind of pulling away from that partner, male or female, then that also is a very big sign that you need to not turn away from, you need to look at it and say, it's my responsibility to protect my children. And to provide them the best upbringing possible. And what they are learning from this is for my son, it would be but this behavior is okay to do to a woman for a my situation, that it is okay for a mandatory a woman this way, so then eventually, he can treat me this way. For my daughter, it's okay to have a man treat her this one. It's okay for a woman, my mother to be treated this way, it's acceptable for a man to yell at me. And if you think about it that way, it is your responsibility to protect those kids. And that's what they're learning. That's why they end up going to school and become bullies because they're afraid of showing their emotion and reaction at home. And so instead, they go and act out at school, because they have to let it out somewhere they vent it out. And to me, I just want to go up and like talk to them, because you know, they're hurting so badly. And they feel like they're being ignored on both ends.

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:16:18

And I was gonna say another thing that I have found in, again, in working with a lot of the people that I do, and in my work with the domestic violence group was that a lot of the signals are, if it's a blended family, like if you've got your kids and he's got his kids, and maybe you've got kids together, it's going to be Mike, he, the abuser, whether it's male or female will be okay with whatever their kids do. But your kids are the problem with everything. And your kids need to go back and live with the other parent, they're not welcome at this home. And that is a really, you know, it's a message again, it's a kind of ties in with that control, but also the isolation because just pushing even your own children away from you, is certainly something that can happen. So

Victoria Cuore: 00:17:08

I never when they start disciplining that child,

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:17:11

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And that's a whole other discussion of discipline. When did families I mean, that's, that's a whole nother one. I'm not going to talk about that. But

Victoria Cuore: 00:17:24

I do love to Yeah,

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:17:26

that's one of my trigger points as well. So I know, Rhonda, Victoria, what we didn't talk about a little bit earlier. And I always ask people this at the beginning. So please forgive me, you are, you have accomplished an amazing amount of things in a very short period of time. So we're doing this at the end, instead of at the beginning. But tell us a little bit about your expertise area, because you are phenomenally knowledgeable on the stuff that you've talked about here. And thank you for that. Tell us a little bit about what you do, what you're doing what your organization is about.

Victoria Cuore: 00:18:04

Well, thank you so much for that, that means the world to me, I can the CEO of a contagious smile.com, you go on the website. And it looks as though it's for special needs children and their families. And it is, but as you scroll down more and more, you'll see there's plenty of resources for domestic violence, and it'll say learn more, you click on the tab, and then I've put it where it's so real. There's pictures of me. And when I went through reviews on there, I have moving companies, all the states in the US that will move you for free. If you're in that situation. I have the coalition of every state, I give free support groups, free social groups, for the kids and the victims slash survivors. We're about to start summer camp courses, I do life skills classes. I also will help the survivors go through and maybe learn a new trait and I'll help them write their resume, I will help them job search if they need. I'll write a letter of recommendation. Then I also help with legal document preparation. I graduated with a paralegal degree as well. And I also am doing a writer's course because I have a book out on Amazon called to kick first. And my second book is on its way out. So we do that. And then we have a support group on Facebook called a contagious smile. Every smell tells a story and it is a private group. I bet you when you asked to come in and join and that's so that we don't let wolves in. It is who you are, who you say you are. That way we don't let it's a safe place. So you don't have to worry about your significant other coming in. I make sure that they're not in there. So it's a safe haven judgment free Bully Free place where you are welcomed with open arms and then there's my podcast. Because again, it's a contagious smile and it's because every one of the people I have been so blessed to talk with more you have the most amazing light within them special needs Families, survivors, they have such a beautiful light, and to be able to help others hear that and see their growth and what they've been through. And I always tell everybody, the one thing you need to remember is no matter how bad it has been, you have survived 100% of your hardest days. And that is really, really strong. And it will resonate with you, if you think about it over and over again.

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:20:25

That is wonderful. And thank you for what you are doing. Because there are you know, there are so many women who are in communities where there isn't a domestic violence, shelter close, they are not able necessarily to, you know, I I'm in a rural part of Texas, it's not always easy for people, you know, and Texas, just one state, you know, it's all over the world, this occurs all over the world, every socio economic level, it's not just people in certain communities, you know, at certain income levels. This this goes all the way up as I think one of the one of the good things is, is people are more open, like the me to movement, and a few other movements like that have really allowed people to come forward and talk about these kinds of experiences. I know me, too, isn't domestic violence, but it's, again, it's violence against women. And just having the ability to come forward and talk about this stuff in an open, honest, safe place, like what you're offering is fantastic. And I just want to really stress on I know we're going a little bit long, but this is so important. The fact that there there are resources available, you are not alone, it's not easy to find resources, as much as it should be. But hey, there's podcasts, you know, Victoria's group is there for people to access, I love that idea of having moving companies that will come and help people move. So there are she's doing some phenomenal stuff. So even if you're not a woman in a domestic violence situation, if you want to support women who are in these kinds of situations, I'm sure Victoria has ways that she can help you get involved, things that she can suggest that you do, maybe take a nap, maybe even just promote this, her podcast, her book, her her work that she's doing, if you heard about it here, you're gonna have the notes, the information in the shownotes to connect with Victoria, I'm going to encourage you to get in touch with her directly. And, you know, I'm sure that there's things that you're looking for right people that could do PR people that could maybe fundraise for you people that could maybe help you get the message out. So a lot of the people that listen to this have those kinds of skills. And if this is a passionate area for you, I'm going to encourage you to reach out to Victoria and her group because I think she's got some phenomenal stuff that she's doing. So Victoria as a as a last minute. Last thought last minute. Take away What do you think people should remember from this conversation?

Victoria Cuore: 00:23:07

I love that you asked that. But it's amazing. I would say that the takeaway from this is that you are worth it, you are worth more than you give yourself credit for. You deserve happiness, you deserve that unconditional love. And you do have it you have it within your children, they look up at you, and they have unconditional love for you, you have that inner light. And even if you consider in your head that it's barely flickering, you remember that even in the darkest room, the smallest light can light it up. And we are here to help bring that back to a full blown light. And you can help bring it back to and the fact that you're here and you're listening to this tells you and your your own subconscious that you are ready to take those steps. And I just want to say I'm so proud of you for being ready to take that stuff. Because it's hard to do.

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:23:57

I don't think I need to say anything else after that other than I'd like to thank everybody for listening. And this has been so wonderful. And we are definitely going to have you back and we'll talk about we'll talk about sharing some more of your wealth of wisdom that you offer to people. So thank you so much for being here.

Unknown: 00:24:15

Thank you so much.