Ali Perry-Davies Shares Her Heartfelt And Personal Insight On Goal Setting For Happiness

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:00:05

Welcome to the D shift podcast, where we provide inspiration, motivation and education to help you transition from the challenges of divorce to discover the freedom and ability to live life on your own terms. Are you ready? Let's get the shift started. Hello, and welcome to another episode of the D Shift podcast. And this is going to be a really joyous conversation I just know because I know the lady that I'm speaking to, and she is just a, such a positive person, and just somebody who really focuses on helping people start over handle difficulties and just bring a lot of joy in their life. So I would like to welcome Ali Perry Davies, and she is an author, I know you've got a book published and books coming. So I want to talk to you about that for sure. And that you are also a person who has dealt with PTSD and a traumatic brain injury. So, Ali, I know I just briefly skimmed the surface on what you do. So tell us a little bit about yourself and where your area of passion is here.

Ali Perry-Davies: 00:01:11

Oh, thanks so much, Marcy. Thank me. Thanks so much for having me on the show. First of all, this is awesome. I'm really excited. I'm excited to chat with you. It's interesting, I think that me and like any one of your listeners, I'm sure, we all have these huge stories, we all have these major events that could have and sometimes have defined who we were, for a time, there was a time when coming out of a very destructive, unhealthy relationship. That defined me for a while there was a time when dealing with being diagnosed and dealing with PTSD that defined me for a while after having my brain injury defined me for a while. And I think one of the things that I'm learning more and more about in my own life, is that as long as we decide not to stay there, we don't even have to have any answers. I have been shivering in the corner in a ball, literally terrified to move forward. But I had a desire more than hope, more than a belief more than anything, I just knew I can't die here. I can't let this be how my story ends. And I think that I would always try to tell if any of your listeners I think often women are maybe more attracted to my story, but that I don't I don't shut down or not deal or or don't have many male clients. It's just the deal is is that a lot of women relate to my story. Yeah. And so I think that that said, what I would want to tell anyone is, wherever you're at, you know, I've been through in my book, I talk a lot about the places that I've been in the experiences I've had and how that manifests itself in my life. The big story is though, the one that matters is the day or days I decided, okay, this can't be how my story ends.

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:03:18

Yeah. So how do you think? How do you think people get that sense of, I'm going to get up and move through this? Because I think I, I don't believe that anybody can develop that sense. I know, there's a lot of people who are like, well, you know, I've been through this, I've been knocked down so many times, I just can't get back up again. I really believe that it's hard to do it. But you can get back up again. So how do you develop that? I know the the term now is resiliency. I know that's a big thing. When it's just rolling that sense, like you said, of recognizing that this is not the end of my story, I'm going to make it change what comes from or how do people develop that? Or? Or Wow, what's the resource?

Ali Perry-Davies: 00:04:10

Yeah, that's a great question. And and I'm thinking of immediately what comes to mind as always, is the way my brain works. I have like 17 ideas coming right away thinking of all the different ways and I'm sure that as many people who are listening to this, each of us have a 17 or 20 different ways that that could come out. And I would say that any one of them that works is probably the right one. For the time that it is. I think that basically we're hardwired to want to live right. And we everybody, even when I know people who have got to the point where they've they've questioned whether they wanted to live it or not. But when it comes right down to it, there's this place in us that wants to survive. We want to live And part of it is how do we take it past that survival mode and taking us into Thrive mode, because I know people in my life that I love so dearly. And I was one of those people who was living in poverty, I was living in shame, I was living in fear, I was living in doubt, when people tried to encourage me, I did, I thought you don't get it, you don't get where I am right now, you know, maybe what you went through was one thing, but I can't from where I'm at. And it just came to the place where, you know, I started to just want a bit of a difference. Long before I had hope. And way before I had a belief, and even longer before I had a plan, there was just the hope. And sometimes it was even driven through jealousy and judgment of others for what they had, if I'm being really honest, when I was in my very lowest state, I would sometimes in my place where I just was feeling so sad for myself. And, and it was sad, if I would see someone else in that situation. I'm not going to judge them, I'm going to think that's awful. I'm so sorry that that's your experience. But that was mine. So I came from a place of very tiny bit of the background, I had a lot of sexual abuse, a lot of physical abuse, a lot of emotional abuse in my childhood, and in my early adult years. That led to a string of very unhealthy relationships. And that led to I was you know, a single mom didn't have money I you know, just things that are. It's it's not a rare story, unfortunately, it's a very common story. And solar in me, there was a place that just had a shred of hope. And then I was met by I would say my first real change was I was met by an incredible woman, she's passed now Maggie Collins, I love you, I hope you're having a blast up wherever you are. And she worked as an employment counselor in helping women to change their lives. And she just saw something in me. And I think that Maggie was the type of person who saw something in everyone, you know, so she was never lying to any of us, right? She said, You, you there's, you can do this. Yeah, you can do this. And I would fall and cry and whine and feel sad for myself. And she would just pick me back up. And sometimes she had a she was Irish. So she had that, you know, a little bit of a no nonsense way about her. But she also had a really big, gentle, kind heart. So I think that, first we make a decision that I just don't want to be this way. I don't You don't have to have a plan. You don't have to have any answers. But if you're living in a way right now in your life, and you know, I don't want it to be like this. If that's all you know, that's awesome. That's so awesome. You know, now there's a way to go, right? Maybe the next step is going to be if you don't know where to start, reach out and find someone who does. And these are usually going to be someone who works at a nonprofit, it's not going to cost you money, because you probably don't have any. That's okay. Maybe you do have money. That's great. But it but most of us when we're in that position, finances are a bit of a struggle. Find someone that you can trust, who has some expertise in this area? Sure, surround yourself with friends who can cheer you on. But having someone that actually has a skill set. Yeah. So I would say that that was kind of the first tiny baby step is reaching out and finding someone who knows more than me. And it didn't take much at that point.

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:09:02

Yeah. And so I love that because here's what I hear people say, Well, I want to be I want to I'm in a bad place today. And I want to be where I want to be tomorrow. Like and they don't see. You know, it's not this is the real world. This is this is not the way things work. Yes, there's people who go out and you know, one day and have no no employment, no income, living off the streets, or maybe living in a friend's house or something. And then they just lucked into it. They get their dream job the next day and they're whisked away to California or wherever to live in a mansion and run a TV empire that really Hallmark movies are full of it, but it does not really happen that way. So I love the fact that what you said is the first step is just to celebrate that you recognize that you don't want to be in this space. That's a celebration point because that's

Ali Perry-Davies: 00:09:59

absolutely If, and then

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:10:00

what is the and I had a lady on the show, Chris Pappas, who said her, the first thing she says to her people is what is the tiniest step you can take to move from where you are one half of a step forward to where you want to be, and take it everyday, but that half step or half stride, and you know, you can start looking at the big picture, when you get in a frame of mind of saying, I'm worthy of this big picture. Because if you don't believe in yourself, you're not going to believe in that future either. Am I right? Or am I off base on that one?

Ali Perry-Davies: 00:10:38

I think probably both. If, if you're like me, most everything I think is right and off base. So yes, absolutely. We have to, we have to be able to be willing to take that step. The only what I would say is I would an addendum, I'm gonna put an agenda, a little add on to what you said, is that you don't have to have a lot of faith in yourself yet. Because if we needed a lot of faith in ourselves, most of us wouldn't make it. Most of us are quivering when we take these first steps. I know I was right. And even so for me, I did little things. Like Maggie said to me, I didn't have an education yet I didn't. I was in a very I was a I was a teenage a teenager with two kids, right? I was and just about to get a divorce in my early 20s. So in my early 20s, I had already been a teenage pregnant teenager, had two kids as a teenager. And by the time I was 22, I was already divorced and on my own. And I'd already come from very severe trauma, right? So doesn't that sound like a girl is gonna really have it all together and have a lot of faith? Not so much. I had a lot of opinions. I had a lot of feet, a lot of fear, a lot of anger. I felt judged. And I was judged. And I did judge. So I had all that going on. But I found a little way and yes, what you're saying having that little bit of faith. Sometimes I just had to have faith also in the person that I was trusting. And I know that that's not where we want to end up. But sometimes just faith in something. Yes, absolutely. Just that it could be okay. But I also want to say to someone if you don't feel like you have faith, sweetie, don't let that slow you down. That's okay. Because we can all believe for you. Yeah, until you can get there. We I will cheer for you. I will I will find places for you to go. I'm going to like we're going to do this there is a collective around the world of women who are chanting and cheering and believing for other women. And yeah, it's, you know, I talk about it a bit in my book, I in my book, I don't go into detail about any of the actual traumatic events, I state that they occurred, right. And the rest is the impact that it had on me. Sure. And the impact that it had on just other people and I share other people's stories as well. And basically what I hear over and over again, is it's it's like an an an onion being forever peeled. And we don't we peel onions is a lot of tears. Like I said, Yeah, that's the same way when we, when we feel our own onion right there is it I'm never gonna say to someone, it's easy. No, it might be some i Hey, if there's a way if someone decides to go for it, and they are so focused. Ah, bless that. That's awesome. Yeah, just wasn't my particular story.

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:13:49

Right. But and I think, you know, I think that's something that you mentioned, ally that I think is really, really important is that everybody's trauma story is not the same. I worked for many years in a psychiatric hospital and one now I was working more with children, but I did have interactions with adults in the facility. And one of the things that that I know is that people can be traumatized in in very different ways. What what traumatizes some people has no effect on on the next person. So I get really frustrated in a lot of group things where it's kind of like, Let's compete over who has the most significant trauma story like, joke about it right now. But it's like, it doesn't matter what caused you the trauma, whether it was, you know, and horrific things can happen to children and an adult and everything else. But it's a fact that you are experiencing a trauma not necessarily the specific root cause of the trauma and certainly not comparing it to somebody else's. So ask you a question. What When you talk to women or men who have been through a trauma situation and are moving forward in their lives or have dealt with a series of traumas, what do you think is the most effective way to partner with them, or to support them? As opposed to I know some some organizations, their goal is to put people through basically a lockstep, okay, you come in, you're admitted, you go through, you know, whatever it may be a detox, or stay in a domestic violence shelter, or whatever it may be. And then you go through their mandated counseling, and then you go through their mandated Employment Program, or not mandating my kind of standard employment program, and they know, 90 days and you're out the door, you're fixed. So for those that are dealing, isn't

Ali Perry-Davies: 00:15:49

that a great plan?

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:15:50

Yeah. I'm talking about you can't have that I'm

Ali Perry-Davies: 00:15:55

fixed word Why I sign up for that? Oh, yeah,

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:15:59

I know. So tell me, tell me a little bit about in your experience, if if, as women or as men, we have a friend who's in that space where they're, they don't see a future, um, you know, you can't just for lack of a better word, blow sunshine up their skirt and go, don't worry, everything will be fine. I'm here to support you what what can we do? What's the proper way to help people? What would be the most effective way to help people?

Ali Perry-Davies: 00:16:26

Well, I That's a great question. Again, you're, you're full of these great questions. If only I could come up with a good answer. I think that basically, again, it goes back to that we're all very individual. So for me personally, for the years, I worked as a minister, and then as a disability case manager, and did frontline work with people with a variety of disabilities and things like that. That's, and now my shift. And then I sustained a brain injury. And, you know, that's been, you know, there was the first three years of, you know, walking and talking wasn't so, so, so easy. And, and now that, you know, things are shifting and I, where I've really started to put my focus is holistic, more holistic healing modalities, and specifically sound and vibrational therapies, and art therapies. A lot of these I love what I love about these therapies is that there are Woo, as I call them, and spirituality and science, it's where they all meet. And I love that. So, though, for me, I would say that when I, if someone comes to me, and they are discussing whatever situation they're in, for me, personally, I'm going to suggest, first of all, I'm going to find out where they're at. I'm going to find out what so what are you doing right now? What's happening? So there's, you know, there's allopathic modalities that are, that can be fine, and that they can be helpful, right? There's, there's ways that, you know, someone might require, you know, an MD, GP or whatever, a medical doctor, they might require some assistance from them. I don't know. Because that's not my you know, that's not who I am. So I, I never want to take out anything from the equation, right. So for me, it's very much I would, my first thing is get your feelings out. And that is, whether that's writing it, drawing it, painting it, singing it, find some way that you can release what's going on inside, let that come out. And we all have something you know what, even if it's, a person has a crayon and one piece of paper and just writes down? Correct, clap, clap, clap, clap, you know, if that's what needs to come out. That's okay. Teaching people and sharing with people, things about creative healing modalities, ways that we can use creativity, to bring about healing, it's really to allow ourselves to all that stuff that's inside, let it come out. And if it's, if it's a painting, for instance, it doesn't really matter what it looks like, sometimes people can get caught up in that, or the song or the poem or whatever they're, it's, it's not about that, especially not in the beginning stages. If someone wants to go on to be a professional, whatever, fine, that's great, but where the beauty lies? For me anyways, as a observer is in rawness and vulnerability, that's always where and if you have someone that has some natural talent and they that those to marry, that's going to be spectacular, but that's not what it's about in the healing realms, in the healing realms. That's about whatever is inside that needs to come out. Give it space, let it out, let it come out. And you know, I A 30 minute walk a day, Mike, if I was gonna give him a prescription, it would always be a 30 minute walk a day, based on science what what our body requires mind, body, all you know everything, 30 minute walk a day, if you can't leave your house right now, walk around your house, just do it for 30 minutes write, somehow write or draw or paint or some way to let it out. You don't have to have money or space to do that to start, you could just grab a piece of paper and a pen or a pencil and just start letting out whatever's on the inside. Yes, seek out professional help. And again, nonprofits, I'm not sure if everywhere is as abundant as where I live. But quite a few places have some nonprofits, places that a person can get assistance when they don't have funding. Right. So I hope that answers your question. Where I would start? Well, I

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:20:56

think you're I think you're you're absolutely spot on. And I think one thing for us as people who may be supporting somebody who's in this position, maybe a sister or friend, or you know, a neighbor or something is is really to give them that space, and maybe go for the walk with them and just let them talk, you don't have to make it right, you don't have a problem. You know, in coaching, we have this term called Holding space, which is just literally being present and absorbing that information and letting you know, just just just giving the person the opportunity to speak to somebody else about the issues without feeling that sense of I have to solve this problem today, you know, in this? Yeah,

Ali Perry-Davies: 00:21:40

yes. I was gonna say, I have a thing that I use, and it is don't answer questions that haven't been asked. Exactly. And, and that's, that's the place that happens, whether someone is grieving, or they're in a really difficult situation coming out of a divorce or a life change, or whatever it might be that they're going through, it can feel for us, like, we need to have an answer. Yeah, we don't. In fact, most of our answers can cause more harm than good. And if we can remember that, I can just remember to say, I love you. I don't have any answers. But I want to stand with you. I'm with you. And those are, you know, those are important things, my podcast, find your joy, the little tag for that is, is that in all things we're looking for whatever it is, and when you're healing, find a place that can be joyful in the midst of that. Yeah, if you're whatever it is that we're doing on our life, how do we get from where we are, and even if Well, we're in the midst of it, while we're in the midst of my my brother has terminal with cancer right now. And he's the most positive one of them will be so positive. And he's finding joy. Like, it's like, he's the poster child for my book and my my podcasts are and he's like, he's like, literally, very close to death. And he's still every day when I phone him says Hi, it's John, how can I make your day better?

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:23:24

Wonderful. 103. That that is that is so amazing. And you know, I've got to say my, my mom passed away cancer many when I was 18. She passed away. He was she was like that though, I mean, right up until the very last day I saw her the day before she passed. She was she was like that she always had a smile on her face. You know, she the lesson was she couldn't speak but she still you know was able to you could see her eyes light up when you came in the room and she tried to interact with people and and so there are people who find that ability to do that. We just don't have to learn how to tap into that. So I mean we have covered a whole ton of stuff and I can't believe how fast 25 minutes can go when we get especially me I just get I get so interested in what people have to say about this. So we talked about a lot of different things. What is the one thing that you would like people to remember when they I always say this when they pull out their ear pods or earbuds or whatever the heck you call them and walk away from this what do you want them to remember about this conversation? Hmm

Ali Perry-Davies: 00:24:33

I want them to remember that there is always hope. Always. No matter where no matter what, no matter how dark it seems, there is always hope and go find your joy baby because it's yours with the digging.

Mardi Winder-Adams: 00:24:49

I love that that is such a positive. And if you are in one of those really difficult situations, please please please reach out. Get help. Get support and nonprofits. If you can't find one in your area, contact me, I will do research on the web and see if I can find something. Because I don't want anybody to feel like they are unavailable or they can't get help. And there is a new, I hope I don't mess this up. It's 988, I believe is the new national suicide assistance line. So if you feel that things are really difficult, you can call that number and they can help you and if I have messed that up, which I really hope I have not. I will correct it in the in the notes, and I will make sure that I put a little add on at the end of this podcast if I've missed. So how do people want to get ahold of you? What is the best way to do that?

Ali Perry-Davies: 00:25:50

Okay, great, thank you. Ally Wait, rt@gmail.com So that's a Liwa ye AR T and so alleyway. rt.com is my webpage alleyway. rt@gmail.com is my email and alleyway art page on Facebook is how they could get a hold of me there.